So I just wanted to give another little snapshot into my heart today about Dad's cancer.
He's cut off all of his hair since it started falling out with the treatments. He's gone to doctor visits with Mom all of the time and Mom had turned into a pretty good nurse.
You should see the box of pills and things she has Dad tightly schedule on. She's also gotten pretty good at giving him those injections. Personally, I hate needles and leave the room the moment that thing makes it's grand entrance.
So how am I dealing with this. I obviously can't ignore the fact that my dad has cancer anymore. He's bald for one thing, and second...he's in bed a lot thanks to the treatments. To be totally honest, I can't look at him sometimes. I'm trying to trust God...but it's really hard sometimes.
I love my Dad. I don't want to see him like this. I don't want to see my mom like this. Sometimes I just have to look away, or lock myself in my room.
I throw myself into wedding plans, teaching activities, or pintrest. Sometimes I just need to break away from the real world and not have to think about the pain.
I know I should be praying more than I am...but that also forces me to think about the cancer that's trying to kill my daddy.
I can almost feel God's arms wrapped around me, trying to comfort me, but I think that my struggles to escape reality are also pulling me away from the comfort he's trying to give.
I can't lie and say "Oh yeah, I'm doing fantastic! I'm actually on a spiritual high right now" because I'm not always doing "fantastic".
Sometimes I'm screaming inside, sometimes I'm whimpering, and sometimes I'm just silently pushing it all away.
I'm so sorry I can't share happier news about what's going on in my heart.
I guess I'm just trying to let things out before they take over, and desperately asking you to pray for my Dad, and to pray for me.