I write this post with tears flowing and a broken heart. Today is the last day I have with my precious babies.
Yesterday morning I awoke with the joy of a child. It felt like Christmas morning. I was so terribly excited I could hardly keep myself in bed. I kept looking at the clock "is it time to get up yet?" I kept thinking. Finally the clock changed to 6am and I jumped out of the sheets and quickly got dressed. I picked out my favorite sweater and was smiling so much I couldn't hardly get an even coat of makeup on.
Today was the day I going to get to hear my twin's heartbeats.
I made breakfast and stared out the window. I was waiting for my ride to the doctors. When they came I gave Mike and big hug and kiss and ran out the door.
We took almost an hour at the doctors doing all the first time visit stuff. Millions of questions, taking my weight, measurements, family histories, blah blah blah. I just wanted to hear my babies for the first time.
Finally the time came for me to get on the bed. Mike was teaching so my mom and dad were able to be in the room with me. We all stared at the screen with anticipation. The small talk and little jokes stopped as soon as we saw both babies on the monitor.
They looked so perfect.
The equipment at this office was much better than the one at my last ultrasound. I could see my babies in more detail on bigger screen. My heart was filling itself with love and my mother started crying with joy at the sigh of my twins.
Then the doctor grabbed my arm.
At first I thought she was trying to take my pulse and I thought "Well that's obviously not how you do it. Why does she want my pulse? I'm awake and right here!?"
She gave me a quick look and then her eyes went back to the screen.
I knew something was wrong. I knew something was very wrong. I didn't want to hear what she had to say. I wanted to stop time right there and just look at my babies.
"Brittany, I don't see a heartbeat"
Okay, so I lost one but the other's okay right? I was so desperate.
"There isn't a heartbeat for either one. I am so sorry."
My poor mother's tears changed from joy to sadness. I cried softly too but I grabbed her arm and said "Mom, look at me. They're in heaven now okay?"
That was the hardest thing I have ever had to say. I had to acknowledge that my babies were no longer growing, and they were dead.
We called Mike to come to the office right away and we were given a moment alone together. He walked in and I covered my face. I wanted to be brave for him but my wound was just so deep and so fresh. "Both of our babies are in heaven now" I said. He put his hands on his face and cried. I sat on his lap and held his head close. We wept together and told each other how much we loved the other.
That was yesterday morning.
Tomorrow the doctors will remove the babies from my womb. My body doesn't even realize that I'm not pregnant any more. I'm still having symptoms of pregnancy even though my babies only made it to 9 and a half weeks.
I don't know why God did this. It wasn't like "whoops! she's pregnant and shouldn't be right now. I'll just take care of that." God specifically planned for me to conceive the moment that I did. He planned by twin's growth and then their death. Their lives were planned to be this long. Why? I don't know, and I won't go down that road. I'll never come back if I do.
I believe that God is a good god. He is a great god who is almighty and he loves me more than anyone else could even love me. He sent his son to die for me. He knows what it's like to lose a child. He knows what I'm feeling. He knows why this happened. I don't need to know why. I just need to give Him thanks in ALL things, even this. I'm accepting his plan for my life and that goes hand in hand with his love and comfort.
Oh, the comfort he gives dear readers.
My babies are in heaven and they are together in heaven. How glorious is that!!! They skipped right up to the good part! Like reading the last chapter of a mystery book!
Of course we are mourning. Mike and I have both cried so hard. I wanted to hold my babies so badly. What mother doesn't? I wanted to swaddle them and kiss their little heads. I wanted to feed them and wipe the mashed carrots off their faces. I wanted to dress them up and make them all matchy matchy. I wanted to watch them sit on the floor and play together. I wanted to hold them close while they reached up to touch me with their little chubby hands. I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted Mike to be a daddy.
But I know that my God is is good. I know that my babies are in heaven. I know that I will get to see them and hold them and love them, it just won't be right now. It won't be in 9 months. Someday when I'm dying and ready to leave this world, my babies will be ready for me in heaven. I know that I'll get the two biggest bear hugs ever. I can't wait for that day, but till then...I know that they are in wonderful hands. The hands of my God.