Before we go anywhere in the memorial details, I just wanted you to know that Mike and I have both started healing. The pain of losing both of our babies will never completely vanish. Any mother or father who has suffered the same understand this.
We believe that God planned our lives to play out this way and this is meant for good and his glory. God makes no mistakes. He always loves and cares and understands. I don't understand why he did this to us, but I don't need to understand. I just need to trust and obey my loving God.
Here we are at the hospital right before my surgery. The doctors and nurses were so kind and took very very good care of me. Mike and my parents stayed by my side and prayed with me right before I had to go in. While I was sleeping (thanks drugs!) I dreamed about my babies and heard the song "I'll Never Forsake You" in my dream. You can listen to the song by clicking here if you want.
We contacted a funeral home because we didn't know what else to do. The man working that day donated his time and this urn for our babies. They were too big to fit into the heart I talked about in the vlog (my babies are overachievers!) so he placed them in this urn instead.
It comforts my heart to know that nothing can ever get to my babies. I had nightmares of wild animals trying to dig them up.
We honestly didn't know what to do in the pictures. Do we smile because our babies are in heaven? Do we cry because we're sad? It was kinda awkward, but I am so glad that we did take photos. I really needed something to hold on to.
We buried our babies with these two stuffed animals. I know that you can't take anything with you when you die, so this was more of a sentimental thing for me.
Giving my babies their first stuffed animals helped me with the healing process.
Sadly, this is the only ultrasound photo that we have of our babies. They aren't very clear because they just didn't feel photogenic that day. On their own, they looked great on the ultrasound...guess the sibling rivalry started early.
I wish that I had asked the doctor to take a clearer picture the day we found out their hearts had stopped beating. I think that I was so in shock that I didn't think about it until that night.
I hung these two Christmas ornaments in the tree where our babies were buried. They represent the guardian angels by babies had, and the angels who are watching over my babies even now.
I took my babies inside and sealed them in a special vacuum bag with the stuffed animals. I wrapped them in the pretty gold fabric and tied a bow with red velvet ribbon.
I then placed the little ones in a white box and tied that with green and white satin ribbon.
Next we started our memorial service. We had family and a few close friends gather on our lawn by the tree. My dad spoke about the assurance that we have of our babies being in heaven without a doubt. He talked about beginning to heal and the amazing love of our God.
Then came the hardest part of the memorial.
Right before we ended in prayer, I carried my babies over to the grave my husband had dug. I stopped and fixed the bows on the box and pretty much broke down. I knew that this was when I had to let the go. Mike placed a bottle of Bible verses at the foot of the angel and put his arm around me. Together we placed our babies at the foot of the angel.
We knew that our babies were in heaven and happier than they could ever be with us on Earth, but giving up their little bodies was the hardest thing I've ever done.
We placed them at the foot of an angel to remind us how well they are being taken care of right now. They are so happy, and they are together. They are walking and running along streets of gold. They are enjoying the fruits of heaven and if they are anything like me, they have fruit juice all over their faces and clothes. They never had a reason to cry or feel pain. They'll never need a band-aid or a time-out. They're living in a perfect place and they are so terribly loved.
I am so blessed to have Mike by my side. He loves me so much and he loved our babies. He is helping me heal while trying to heal himself. I couldn't have asked for a better partner in this life.
I miss my babies so much. My body is physically hurting from the surgery, but my heart hurts even more from the emptiness of my womb. I take comfort in the fact that my babies were not ripped from my womb, they were gently carried to the arms of my heavenly father. The first face they saw was his. The first voice the heard was his. The first love the experienced was his.
I might talked more about my grieving process, but dear readers please know that I've started to heal. I can't wait to share with you the joy of the Lord and the comfort that he gives me in these hard days to come.